Thankful

So many things have happened this year...its reached the highest highs and the lowest lows that I have ever experienced. Looking back, it doesnt seem so bad but its always very different after the fact. I am so very thankful for the lessons I have learned and for the people that have made my life very special. I am rejuvinated and sustained by the people dear to my heart, and am deeply thankful for the love that you have shown me. Whether Ive known you for a year, ten years, ten weeks, my life has been enriched and made colorful by you. Thank you for pushing me to be a better person, for inspiring me, for giving me energy and laughter!

2010 is going to be a GREAT year! I cannot wait to share it with everyone!

Intimidation

I just realized what I do when I am intimidated by something. I start feeling like I am not interested anymore...and look for something totally different to start channeling my energies into. You know when what you have to do is still unclear and vague, its not as scary. And then you start heading towards your actual goal and you start to see how hard you actually have to work to get there and it starts to kinda get to you. Now I know some people who love a good challenge, but me, Im not sure that I do.

I went to go talk to my couselor at college today and I just realized HOW MUCH science I have to take to be in the dietetics major. I know, er, knew that it was going to be all about science, but then to realize the course load and to get a taste of the amount of mental capacity I need freaked me out. I dont consider myself dumb, but I dont consider myself studious or academically inclined either. Im intimidated... and also scared because I dont want to see myself fail. Actually, I have never put myself in a situation where I have failed because I don't think that I could stand the fact that I cannot accomplish what I set out to do. When I see others fail, or not get to their goal, I think its totally fine because "at least they tried their best". But would I be able to tell myself that? No.

It takes guts to fail because if you didn't try in the first place, then of course you would be in the safety zone of averageness. I dont want to stay stuck in average!!!

Do you have one too?

A song that reminds you strongly of your past. I tried to find my song from my past and it wasnt even on youtube. Its called Songs From An American Movie pt 2. Everclear.

"Sometimes I get to a point, where I dont give a damn about anything anymore...sometimes I get to a point where I feel numb and I just dont care. "

Sometimes I do get to that point. Sometimes I want to let everything go-my happy go lucky character, the smile everyone knows and expects on my face. Sometimes I want to sulk in the pain, and not pretend that I still care.... I want to alienate myself from everything thats going on and be safe on the sidelines of inactivity and just feel the hurt. I just want to sit there and deepy wholly feel in every inch of my body and mind know the confusion and pain. Its theraputic for me...me, always trying to do things for everyone else but me, and always being worried about whether I was liked or not. To not give a damn feels pretty good. High school drama you know. Gotta work hard to be liked by everyone! Its just you try so hard every day and nothing seems good enough so you swear to yourself that tomorrow I wont do this, and I will do this and that to be better. I always kept on that happy face. I tried so hard to be pleasing. what was my other option? To be a bitch? To be honest and maybe hurt or offend someone? Both those options were basically the same thing in my mind. Offend/shock someone=bad. Make people happy and do anything to do so=good. Then once in a while, it all crashes down on you, like someone you think you like isnt treating you right, or someone you were trying really hard to be nice to still acts like a selfish bitch, or you thought you were such a good person and then you get into big ass trouble from your dad for a)i dont remember, and b)i still cant remember. But either way, your self esteem takes such a blow that you feel like you want to either break something or hurt yourself. Listening to this song, I felt the deep hurt. It was theraputic because I wanted people to care about me so much, and I tried so hard to get them to, but then I didnt even care about anything at that point and it made me feel so free. Like hah, I thought I gave a damn but now I dont even give a damn about me so screw it all. And for those couple minutes (or maybe half an hour on repeat) I could live in the music and let go of the facade I created for myself and made myself suffer in. It was nice. I felt like I was rebelling against what I stood for. Not that I was always seeking attention. I did sincerely not want to be a bitch, and wanted others to be happy. But I think I didnt give myself enough attention and validation. And of course me being young and naive thought it better to always leave my opinions to myself and to let everyone else be right.

"I see a picture where everyone is smiling, I know I got to keep it on the inside"
Everyone seemed so much happier than me. I felt so sad inside, and I felt so lonely and abnormal...and all I did was show a happy face. This realization, or maybe delusion, made me really lonely a lot of the times. But I felt like I had to swallow those feelings, keep it on the inside too. I thought I could keep faking it and then at some point these feelings would go away. How could everyone be so happy? I constantly lived with insecurities and lonliness because I made myself suffer alone...oh no. Me? sad? No way could I show that side of me, not did I want to. I went home and cried a lot during those times. This guy who wrote this song understood though. It helped me to connect with my feelings.

"I want to get lost from my life sometimes, sit on the side and watch the world go by, I want to get lost and dream for a while"
Running away...how that sounded great. I wanted to just leave everything behind. Let everyone wonder....I wanted to become someone that didnt care about anything. Those days that I really didnt care....wow...apathy is stronger than anything. Not to say that Im suggesting everyone go apathetic. But if you dont care, nothing shakes you. Great defense mechanism. But sad. And reduces your experience as a human to basically zero. You dont care about homework, you dont care about people, you dont care about laughing. You dont do anything and you arent either happy or sad or disappointed. you are basically at a zero. take what you get, dont care about what you dont have. Sitting on the side was safe. You didnt have to get hurt. You just let the misery engulf you and leave you apathetic. You can float through life not actively choosing anything. And by not expecting, you are never disappointed. Who knew feeling was such a risk?

"The only thing that ever made sense to me...is the sound of my little girl laughing alive and happy in the summertime"
Maybe this song is the reason why I became so inclined to becoming a mother in high school. Not to have a baby in high school, but the determination to become a mother in my future started in high school. I didnt have someone equivalent to his little girl like in they lyrics. I didnt have anyone or anything I could call my own. I was a daughter, I was a sister, but no one was really mine. And I envied this guy because he had a world he could escape in, and a world where he was always welcome. Its like that was the center of his universe, holding him down, keeping him sane and giving him a place to belong. Me, I didnt have that. I wanted that so badly. I looked for it and tried so hard to get it with the people around me but that trying drove me to not care. That didnt work out too well.

"I am just like everyone I know..I am afraid of the things that I just dont know..I am afraid of ever really being alone..."
I didnt know anything about anyone who had the similar feelings. I felt so alone in the things that I felt. but then under everyones smiles and friendly hellos...maybe everyone had doubts and insecurities as strong as mine? Maybe others too, go home and night and feel disappointed, or feel like crying and giving up too. Well, this conclusion I came to later in my high school life, but it opened up my eyes and made me feel less alone. We all have to go on. We all have to keep trying. But everyone is only human. Everyone carries insecurities and wants to be accepted. When I realized that, it made it easier for me to live my life. It made it easier for me to not try and be so perfect, to express myself. It made me feel okay to feel what I felt. And to know that I didnt have to try and be so happy all the time. If Im being fake about my happiness, it would only push other people to not show true emotions too.

Okay shit this sucks! haha. Im trying to write a draft for my essay. i thought it might help if i blogged because usually I write better when Im writing for myself and not for class. But I cant help it because I KNOW that I wouldnt write something like this for myself. Or wait. Maybe I would. I was in the shower recalling songs from my growing up, and I can sing without forgetting any of the words from my favorite 98Degrees songs. Those bring back memories too. And Britney, cant forget Britney. She was my idol. I daydreamed about being on a stage and dancing it up like she did...ah. Most of my close friends know I still really do like her though. :P

I am one of those...

....sad people who blog online hoping one day someone will see it. haha.

today I went to the beach and had fun...I actually had fun! So that was a development for me. And I had a constructive argument. Which is also fantastic. Haha. And I am doing something for myself finally. So yay for that too!

Cheers, me. Unless someone wants to clink glasses with me.

Peeling an Onion

What if, when you peel layers of self doubt, insecurity, feelings of insufficiency, the hustle and bustle of monotnous everyday life, of needing to please, of having to meet expectations and deadlines...that you realize there is nothing left in the center, like peeling an onion? What if there is no fruit, not even a seed, left of what should be a substantial you? Just layers and layers of excess, so much a part of what is you without your choosing, without your thinking, forming you, making you a product of the expectations of others. The shoulds and have-tos, slowly make you feel that without accomplishing them, you are worthless. Not even that they are imposed on you. Sometimes, we just allow ourselves to need the praises and ohhs and ahhs of others and put harsh expectations and unreasonable goals on ourselves-like the need to be recognized as special above your fellow human beings. "I should go to a distinguished school, graduate with a certain degree, have a career that others admire, be the kind of person that others look up to, be rich, be likeable in every way, be the best choice for everyone and everything in every way..." and if I am not then I am a flop. And then, well, what happens when no one cares? What if theres no one that gives a f#$% about where you went to school, what degree you have, even what kind of person you are?? What gives you your self worth? Everyone is caring about themselves now. What they need to and want to accomplish, their goals, their lives. Theyre not going to sit around and make you feel worthwhile because you need it. I need to think more about that and start growing a seed inside of me. For a while I went insane because I realized that what I thought was nothing. That what I thought was always about what other people thought. And now I have to get up and think for myself, and live for myself. With my Christian background, I know it sounds selfish to say "live for myself" but Ive been a people pleaser all my life. I cant grow up unless I let go of those ways. I cant have kids and teach them to be like that! I dont want them to go through the same kind of suffering and craziness I went through. You have to know where to draw the lines, how to think for yourself, and to be respectable to others. I want to be a peach, or an apple, or anything that if you peel off the hustle and bustlely deadlines and commitments bit, that there is actually something there thats wholly me and sweet.

I should be going to bed...

but decided that I hadn't written in this thing for long enough.

Right now, I want to be a thankful person. I want to live, laugh and love. I want to keep seeing life in color. Its all there! We just have to see it. :)