Hello 2011!

Sitting at my desk, with gray clouds and the smell of rain on its way. This weather makes me feel nostalgic, thoughtful, searching. I used to ponder a lot during my high school days about who I am, what makes me different, special, and then start to feel depressed because I couldn't quite figure out who I was apart from people. I guess I was blessed because I always had people around me. Now I'm a bit more independant and I don't have that group of friends I did in high school. Random people that turn into friends here and there. So now I see myself, and all the wonderful things that people around me would tell me I was all just seem like sweet flattery and nothing more. I used to feel like a kind hearted, warm, friendly person. But lately I feel so antisocial and all the other things that stem from it. Sigh. I'm growing into an old fart that shuts others out because it takes more effort to not. I am hoping to change that this new year. I just have a lot on my mind right now and I guess a lot of things that used to be important aren't as important to me as it used to be.

And I have to say, even though I'm not married yet, I'm living with my fiance which pretty much is marrid life minus the documents. It is not easy to always love and be caring. We are currently in a "silent treatment to eachother" mode and its not fun. This is probably wrong to say, but usually I can make my point with logic and my side of the argument all makes sense, but then it always gets disregarded as one sided even though I always think of him too. And so we bicker and fight and aruge and I get a headache until its all resolved. I think of him all the time when I do things but it always feels like I'm doing more of that than him. Maybe everyone feels that way when it comes to conflicts in a relationship??

Its been a while!

WoW 7 months since the last time I wrote! A LOT has gone on through those times. Crazy. I am engaged and am waiting to be a mommy!! Those are two huge milestones in a girl's life. It can be crazy though, trying to juggle love and school and work on top of being pregnant. Lately I've been so exhausted that I just want to sleep every chance I get (and its also giving me really bad heartburn because I always fall asleep right after I eat). I even ditched my work Christmas party because I was busy sleeping on the couch. This baby is making me anti social!! :( I don't feel like going out, I don't feel like talking much...I just want to sleep. And then when I've slept too much, I have all this angst because I haven't moved my body and it feels sluggish and my brain feels restless. ARGGHH. Time to run again I see. I get tired easily but I guess its good to tire myself out and get fresh air. I hate sitting around and not doing anything but lately I've been feeling lazy--my body and brain are having a brawl.

But so far I am feeling happy in terms of the baby. Hopeful, excited, loving. I just wish I wasn't a waitress and student at the moment. I figured there is never a perfect time so mind as well be now so my hubby can be as young and healthy as he can be for our first kiddo. 21 years my senior doesn't make planning easier (or maybe it did? like a push off the cliff?). Haha. But I love him and want to be with him for the rest of my life--so that makes it feel natural regardless of the situation. Hmm. We shall see. More ups and downs to come I'm sure. Tomorrow is my first appointment. :)

I wasn't going to say anything about being pregnant yet, but that's what writing is, right? Its better to write honestly than to be secretive. Then its no fun to read. :P

Happy Mothers Day!

A day early. But I guess it would be Mothers Day already in Japan. For those of you who read this, this is not me wanting an "aww Im sorry about what happened to you" response. I just want to share what is my life, and my wishes and my feelings.

I went to the grocery store today and they had such a pretty selection of flowers. I found a bouquet that I would have loved to give to my mom. I thought about anyone else I could give it to but couldnt think of anyone so I just walked on by. I saw a couple girls walking around trying to pick out something-for their moms I guessed. I totally envied themthat they had a mother they could give flowers to! I have always gotten so excited when my parents' birthdays or mothers/fathers day or christmas came around because it was a time when I could suprise them with something. I remember getting so excited in 6th grade when I was planning to buy them an espresso maker for Christmas, it made me had to go poop when I was at walmart looking around for stuff. My "oh my gosh I am so excited!" reaction.

Anyways, it is funny how you think you will never heal, but like they say, it really is time that heals. Well for me, its more like time makes you feel. Then you can start to heal. Im not trying to make it rhyme on purpose. But it never really hit me how the little desires affect your thoughts everyday...like the desire to share with my mom how I met a great guy even though he's "old" (:P-baby you know I love you! and Emma I know you're agreeing), or discuss the arguments I have with my boyfriend, or little things that happen at work, at school, how I saw something funny. Its mostly me just wanting to share my life with her. It somehow means so much more when I can share it with her because she understands and knows me better than anybody else. And she is also someone that has taught me so much and has made me grow as a person--still continues to do so till this day. Im so blessed to have had such an amazing woman in my life.

Anyways, Happy Mothers Day mama channnn!!! I love you and miss you!
Hugs,
Yuka

Changes

They can be good, they can be bad. All you want to do is make sure that you are deciding in the best way that you know now. I am totally not inspired to write, so I will make a list of things I want to accomplish this year (this should have been a new years post but oh well)

-Run a marathon (which I will do in October)
-Make tiramisu
-Get a six pack
-Get straight A's
-Go rock climbing
-Work with a nutritionist
-Get free massages from Emma (muhahaha)(dont worry I will pay you when you start working but you know I will be a good practice board)
-Learn how to make 5 very yummy fish dishes
-Run 50 miles a week, at least
-Read 5 books (not much, I know. haha)
-Keep loving more and more every day
-Work my way up to becoming a waitress
-Become more organized
-Save money
-Go to the beach more often
-Start dancing hula again

:)

Thankful

So many things have happened this year...its reached the highest highs and the lowest lows that I have ever experienced. Looking back, it doesnt seem so bad but its always very different after the fact. I am so very thankful for the lessons I have learned and for the people that have made my life very special. I am rejuvinated and sustained by the people dear to my heart, and am deeply thankful for the love that you have shown me. Whether Ive known you for a year, ten years, ten weeks, my life has been enriched and made colorful by you. Thank you for pushing me to be a better person, for inspiring me, for giving me energy and laughter!

2010 is going to be a GREAT year! I cannot wait to share it with everyone!

Intimidation

I just realized what I do when I am intimidated by something. I start feeling like I am not interested anymore...and look for something totally different to start channeling my energies into. You know when what you have to do is still unclear and vague, its not as scary. And then you start heading towards your actual goal and you start to see how hard you actually have to work to get there and it starts to kinda get to you. Now I know some people who love a good challenge, but me, Im not sure that I do.

I went to go talk to my couselor at college today and I just realized HOW MUCH science I have to take to be in the dietetics major. I know, er, knew that it was going to be all about science, but then to realize the course load and to get a taste of the amount of mental capacity I need freaked me out. I dont consider myself dumb, but I dont consider myself studious or academically inclined either. Im intimidated... and also scared because I dont want to see myself fail. Actually, I have never put myself in a situation where I have failed because I don't think that I could stand the fact that I cannot accomplish what I set out to do. When I see others fail, or not get to their goal, I think its totally fine because "at least they tried their best". But would I be able to tell myself that? No.

It takes guts to fail because if you didn't try in the first place, then of course you would be in the safety zone of averageness. I dont want to stay stuck in average!!!

Do you have one too?

A song that reminds you strongly of your past. I tried to find my song from my past and it wasnt even on youtube. Its called Songs From An American Movie pt 2. Everclear.

"Sometimes I get to a point, where I dont give a damn about anything anymore...sometimes I get to a point where I feel numb and I just dont care. "

Sometimes I do get to that point. Sometimes I want to let everything go-my happy go lucky character, the smile everyone knows and expects on my face. Sometimes I want to sulk in the pain, and not pretend that I still care.... I want to alienate myself from everything thats going on and be safe on the sidelines of inactivity and just feel the hurt. I just want to sit there and deepy wholly feel in every inch of my body and mind know the confusion and pain. Its theraputic for me...me, always trying to do things for everyone else but me, and always being worried about whether I was liked or not. To not give a damn feels pretty good. High school drama you know. Gotta work hard to be liked by everyone! Its just you try so hard every day and nothing seems good enough so you swear to yourself that tomorrow I wont do this, and I will do this and that to be better. I always kept on that happy face. I tried so hard to be pleasing. what was my other option? To be a bitch? To be honest and maybe hurt or offend someone? Both those options were basically the same thing in my mind. Offend/shock someone=bad. Make people happy and do anything to do so=good. Then once in a while, it all crashes down on you, like someone you think you like isnt treating you right, or someone you were trying really hard to be nice to still acts like a selfish bitch, or you thought you were such a good person and then you get into big ass trouble from your dad for a)i dont remember, and b)i still cant remember. But either way, your self esteem takes such a blow that you feel like you want to either break something or hurt yourself. Listening to this song, I felt the deep hurt. It was theraputic because I wanted people to care about me so much, and I tried so hard to get them to, but then I didnt even care about anything at that point and it made me feel so free. Like hah, I thought I gave a damn but now I dont even give a damn about me so screw it all. And for those couple minutes (or maybe half an hour on repeat) I could live in the music and let go of the facade I created for myself and made myself suffer in. It was nice. I felt like I was rebelling against what I stood for. Not that I was always seeking attention. I did sincerely not want to be a bitch, and wanted others to be happy. But I think I didnt give myself enough attention and validation. And of course me being young and naive thought it better to always leave my opinions to myself and to let everyone else be right.

"I see a picture where everyone is smiling, I know I got to keep it on the inside"
Everyone seemed so much happier than me. I felt so sad inside, and I felt so lonely and abnormal...and all I did was show a happy face. This realization, or maybe delusion, made me really lonely a lot of the times. But I felt like I had to swallow those feelings, keep it on the inside too. I thought I could keep faking it and then at some point these feelings would go away. How could everyone be so happy? I constantly lived with insecurities and lonliness because I made myself suffer alone...oh no. Me? sad? No way could I show that side of me, not did I want to. I went home and cried a lot during those times. This guy who wrote this song understood though. It helped me to connect with my feelings.

"I want to get lost from my life sometimes, sit on the side and watch the world go by, I want to get lost and dream for a while"
Running away...how that sounded great. I wanted to just leave everything behind. Let everyone wonder....I wanted to become someone that didnt care about anything. Those days that I really didnt care....wow...apathy is stronger than anything. Not to say that Im suggesting everyone go apathetic. But if you dont care, nothing shakes you. Great defense mechanism. But sad. And reduces your experience as a human to basically zero. You dont care about homework, you dont care about people, you dont care about laughing. You dont do anything and you arent either happy or sad or disappointed. you are basically at a zero. take what you get, dont care about what you dont have. Sitting on the side was safe. You didnt have to get hurt. You just let the misery engulf you and leave you apathetic. You can float through life not actively choosing anything. And by not expecting, you are never disappointed. Who knew feeling was such a risk?

"The only thing that ever made sense to me...is the sound of my little girl laughing alive and happy in the summertime"
Maybe this song is the reason why I became so inclined to becoming a mother in high school. Not to have a baby in high school, but the determination to become a mother in my future started in high school. I didnt have someone equivalent to his little girl like in they lyrics. I didnt have anyone or anything I could call my own. I was a daughter, I was a sister, but no one was really mine. And I envied this guy because he had a world he could escape in, and a world where he was always welcome. Its like that was the center of his universe, holding him down, keeping him sane and giving him a place to belong. Me, I didnt have that. I wanted that so badly. I looked for it and tried so hard to get it with the people around me but that trying drove me to not care. That didnt work out too well.

"I am just like everyone I know..I am afraid of the things that I just dont know..I am afraid of ever really being alone..."
I didnt know anything about anyone who had the similar feelings. I felt so alone in the things that I felt. but then under everyones smiles and friendly hellos...maybe everyone had doubts and insecurities as strong as mine? Maybe others too, go home and night and feel disappointed, or feel like crying and giving up too. Well, this conclusion I came to later in my high school life, but it opened up my eyes and made me feel less alone. We all have to go on. We all have to keep trying. But everyone is only human. Everyone carries insecurities and wants to be accepted. When I realized that, it made it easier for me to live my life. It made it easier for me to not try and be so perfect, to express myself. It made me feel okay to feel what I felt. And to know that I didnt have to try and be so happy all the time. If Im being fake about my happiness, it would only push other people to not show true emotions too.

Okay shit this sucks! haha. Im trying to write a draft for my essay. i thought it might help if i blogged because usually I write better when Im writing for myself and not for class. But I cant help it because I KNOW that I wouldnt write something like this for myself. Or wait. Maybe I would. I was in the shower recalling songs from my growing up, and I can sing without forgetting any of the words from my favorite 98Degrees songs. Those bring back memories too. And Britney, cant forget Britney. She was my idol. I daydreamed about being on a stage and dancing it up like she did...ah. Most of my close friends know I still really do like her though. :P