Oh Crazy Monday

Mondays are a busy day for me. I go to my internship all day, and have a class at night from 6-9. In the hour I have between the internship and classes, I have to pick my daughter up from the babysitter's, go home and feed us some dinner (usually something I prepped the night before, like a chicken salad or some soup), and drop her off with my sister in law who coaches volleyball afterschool. I feel like its a long day for me but at least I know what I'm getting myself into. My daughter, Skye, on the other hand, is probably like "What the heck mom, you leave me at the sitter's all day and now you're dropping me off somewhere again?!?" She loves her aunt and her cousins, so I'm so grateful that she can be with them while I'm at school.

It's hard to spend time away from your children! I had separation anxiety when I went back to work after 6 months of having Skye, and that was just part time work. Then I went back to school full time while working part time, and had another bout of separation anxiety then. It's an adjustment for both Skye and I whenever we have schedule changes. With every change, I felt that she would be so sad to not have me around--but lo and behold she adjusts! Probably better than I do. I still miss her when I'm not with her. Time is valuable- which is why I work really hard to do well in school and to do my best at work.  If I'm not spending time with her, then I want to make the time I spend away from her worthwhile!

I hate losing

Today was a bit of a tear filled day for me. I started off the normal yet hectic week feeling pretty organized and on top of things. And then I got this email on Wednesday telling me that I was selected as a finalist for the Outstand Junior award at my business college. I was a *little excited-kinda like one of those feelings where you want to get excited but not too excited so that you don't let yourself down. I had to submit my resume and a "brief statement" about myself and why I qualify for this award. It took me a few hours to write a 4 paragraph document on how I exemplify a strong work ethic, integrity, dedication to leadership, professional development, and community service as required in the guideline of this award. I just felt like I had a lot to say and I'm not sure I did it as eloquently as I should have on paper. Regardless, after I submitted it, I must say I felt a little extra skip in my step knowing I had the possibility of being chosen. My whole time at this university has been a hussle. I worked, raised a baby, took 5 courses every semester, got straight A's, volunteered, found a couple internships, and kept our household running. It was really nice to think that I might be recognized for my dedication to work had and achieve my goals. It almost felt like a relief, like validation from an outside source that I was doing something right.

I got an email today saying that I was not chosen for the award, but that I was among the top 10 finalists and "should be proud of this achievement."

The tears seep out of my eyes...

What achievement? Obviously no random panel thinks I am doing enough to win the award. Obviously I didn't satisfy some judge's inner measuring stick even though I plow through every day with 100% dedication to my family and my goals. I never win. I work hard and it just goes unnoticed. I thought that I finally would be able to have some relief by having some external "academic" validation. I wish I was never told that I was even nominated. ....

4 minutes later, I get an email from the same person with an invitation for high academic achievers to attend a leadership seminar next month. I have to say, it felt set up...like "Oh I'm sorry you didn't get the award, but you're an outstanding student so come join this seminar." Or maybe it was more "You fell short in the area of leadership...why don't you attend this seminar?" Who knows. It didn't make me feel better though.

I know I sound like a selfish brat. I am sometimes, especially when I lose. The pressure I put on myself all just came crashing down on me. I have all these expectations for myself and it takes a lot of time and dedication to meet them. I told myself not to get too excited but emotionally I guess I got ahead of myself. I felt empty and sad, especially after all that crying.  Now I really understand how my husband feels when he loses his golf long drive tournament. He trains and practices so hard for it all year, and it's over in a matter of minutes if you don't hit it right in the finals.

Hubby tip of the night: All that matters is that you make more opportunities for yourself. You don't have to win every one, but having more opportunities to win means giving yourself a better chance of winning next time.

Make this work!

I want to really be committed to keeping up with this blog. I know the hardest part is finding time. Even if I do have time, it's really hard to get my butt off the couch when I find a free moment to sit down and do nothing (nothing = watching Modern Family while sprawled out in a vegetative state).

I just thought it would be encouraging if I could maintain some type of record of how it is like to be back in school with a kid. And by kid, I mean not an older one that can take care of him/herself. I'm talking about a toddler that likes to get into everything and constantly wants to interact and do what you're doing and won't even let you go to the bathroom by yourself. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE her to death!! She is the best thing that has happened to my husband and I. She makes every day full of sunshine (even when it's below zero out here in Cincinnati) and makes every day worth it. If you wonder why I am hobbling to college pregnant, taking a full course load, maintaining the kind of grades that your typical Asian girl wants, working 25 hours a week, and making time to cook healthy meals for my family every night, it's because I love my family more than anything and I want to be a living example to my daughter and future children that you can do what you put your mind to.

I have so many facets of my experience that I can't wait to share. I had to just delete a huge chunk of my paragraph because I was trying to cram all of it in this post. Give me time, I'll get better at this!!

(My family. :) And no we don't have matching glasses!!)

Humdidium

So its been a while now since I last wrote. Skye is a big ol whoppin 9 month old baby now. ! Can you say WOW?! Time goes by so quickly. Some days have felt so very long, but when you look back all of those days it all seems to have whizzed by too quickly. She is such an affectionate action loving girl. During the day she wants to keep you on your toes and get into everything and make lots of noises and come tug on your leg to keep your attention, and when she's tired she just wants to cuddle and hug you (fav sleeping spot is ON you, any way any how. once she had rolled away from me in her sleep, but came wiggling back to the part of my body that was closest to her which happened to be my hand. she snuggled up on my hand and rested her head on it and fell back asleep.) And she says dada and mama and dog and goes RRRRR when you tell her "tiger". She opens her mouth when I get her baby toothbrush out (four teeth now!) so she's all ready to brush, and loves being licked to death by her cousin's dogs. She loves to eat. Oh boy that girl. She will come to you if you have food and stay there until she is satisfied, or until you run out. I know she is definately our child when I see her love for eating!
Life is a hot mess. Lol. I've been hearing that a lot lately and it so fits my life. Its like, oh ah no yes up down side to side craziness. But God is taking care of it all and I trust that we are being looked out for. And I hope he keeps sustaining me because I am going to definately need it-trying to finish school and make ends meet and learning to be happy every day.
Hugs and smiles to everyone!

The World of Opportunities

I wish I was a single minded stream-roll-ahead kind of decisive person. I have so many things I think I want to try and so many things I think I could do and yet so many what ifs and nos and maybes running through my mind. I was watching America's Got Talent with my hubby Guy last night and we were talking about how there is so much out there, and at some point you have to be content with what you're doing. And, if not, change it. You see all these people come out of nowhere with the most amazing talent and then it makes you realize that hey, you dont have to be a car washer for the rest of your life, or you dont have to sing only to the mirror. You can go out there and do something. But more than their talent, I admire their desire to DO something. I mean, how many of us are wandering and not knowing and just getting by? I hate that life. I feel like I've been stuck there for some time now. While you're doing k-12th grade, you're busy with life-and after all you dont have a choice about going to school or not. Well I suppose you do, but most people don't. Then you get to college, and you get to choose what you want to study? You get to work or not work, go to class or not go, go 2 years, go 4 or go more? I mean from high school where your options were limited to which sports to play, or what to eat for lunch, or to take AP or not, now its like every aspect of your life is a decision! Isn't that a bit much? Not for everyone though, I know. My dad said that once he took a computer class in college, he thought, hey cool, and majored in it and suceeded in it. I am jealous. I'm like a nutcase when it comes to deciding. I feel like I could be good at something, or that it could make good money, or that I could see myself doing it everyday, and then I try to decide from those ifs and coulds and shoulds. Not just based on what I love! I wish I could simply see myself and know what I desire. I'm already 24 and yet I still don't know what I want to do! What is it that keeps me from knowing me? Part of me thinks Im a free thinker and independant, but at the same time when I really sit down and think about the why's, I feel like I need to have a four year degree from a good school, I need to work in an environment that will be looked up to in some way, and to be in a position that is "better" than average. Ugh. I'm the one bringing myself down....I love watching food network, and sometimes entertainment news. I love stories of people who made something from nothing. I love people finding their passions. I love helping and supporting. Thats me. But somehow I end up feeling like that isn't enough. When is it ever going to be enough?

Hello 2011!

Sitting at my desk, with gray clouds and the smell of rain on its way. This weather makes me feel nostalgic, thoughtful, searching. I used to ponder a lot during my high school days about who I am, what makes me different, special, and then start to feel depressed because I couldn't quite figure out who I was apart from people. I guess I was blessed because I always had people around me. Now I'm a bit more independant and I don't have that group of friends I did in high school. Random people that turn into friends here and there. So now I see myself, and all the wonderful things that people around me would tell me I was all just seem like sweet flattery and nothing more. I used to feel like a kind hearted, warm, friendly person. But lately I feel so antisocial and all the other things that stem from it. Sigh. I'm growing into an old fart that shuts others out because it takes more effort to not. I am hoping to change that this new year. I just have a lot on my mind right now and I guess a lot of things that used to be important aren't as important to me as it used to be.

And I have to say, even though I'm not married yet, I'm living with my fiance which pretty much is marrid life minus the documents. It is not easy to always love and be caring. We are currently in a "silent treatment to eachother" mode and its not fun. This is probably wrong to say, but usually I can make my point with logic and my side of the argument all makes sense, but then it always gets disregarded as one sided even though I always think of him too. And so we bicker and fight and aruge and I get a headache until its all resolved. I think of him all the time when I do things but it always feels like I'm doing more of that than him. Maybe everyone feels that way when it comes to conflicts in a relationship??

Its been a while!

WoW 7 months since the last time I wrote! A LOT has gone on through those times. Crazy. I am engaged and am waiting to be a mommy!! Those are two huge milestones in a girl's life. It can be crazy though, trying to juggle love and school and work on top of being pregnant. Lately I've been so exhausted that I just want to sleep every chance I get (and its also giving me really bad heartburn because I always fall asleep right after I eat). I even ditched my work Christmas party because I was busy sleeping on the couch. This baby is making me anti social!! :( I don't feel like going out, I don't feel like talking much...I just want to sleep. And then when I've slept too much, I have all this angst because I haven't moved my body and it feels sluggish and my brain feels restless. ARGGHH. Time to run again I see. I get tired easily but I guess its good to tire myself out and get fresh air. I hate sitting around and not doing anything but lately I've been feeling lazy--my body and brain are having a brawl.

But so far I am feeling happy in terms of the baby. Hopeful, excited, loving. I just wish I wasn't a waitress and student at the moment. I figured there is never a perfect time so mind as well be now so my hubby can be as young and healthy as he can be for our first kiddo. 21 years my senior doesn't make planning easier (or maybe it did? like a push off the cliff?). Haha. But I love him and want to be with him for the rest of my life--so that makes it feel natural regardless of the situation. Hmm. We shall see. More ups and downs to come I'm sure. Tomorrow is my first appointment. :)

I wasn't going to say anything about being pregnant yet, but that's what writing is, right? Its better to write honestly than to be secretive. Then its no fun to read. :P