Mondays are a busy day for me. I go to my internship all day, and have a class at night from 6-9. In the hour I have between the internship and classes, I have to pick my daughter up from the babysitter's, go home and feed us some dinner (usually something I prepped the night before, like a chicken salad or some soup), and drop her off with my sister in law who coaches volleyball afterschool. I feel like its a long day for me but at least I know what I'm getting myself into. My daughter, Skye, on the other hand, is probably like "What the heck mom, you leave me at the sitter's all day and now you're dropping me off somewhere again?!?" She loves her aunt and her cousins, so I'm so grateful that she can be with them while I'm at school.
It's hard to spend time away from your children! I had separation anxiety when I went back to work after 6 months of having Skye, and that was just part time work. Then I went back to school full time while working part time, and had another bout of separation anxiety then. It's an adjustment for both Skye and I whenever we have schedule changes. With every change, I felt that she would be so sad to not have me around--but lo and behold she adjusts! Probably better than I do. I still miss her when I'm not with her. Time is valuable- which is why I work really hard to do well in school and to do my best at work. If I'm not spending time with her, then I want to make the time I spend away from her worthwhile!
Monday, February 10, 2014
Sunday, February 2, 2014
I hate losing
Today was a bit of a tear filled day for me. I started off the normal yet hectic week feeling pretty organized and on top of things. And then I got this email on Wednesday telling me that I was selected as a finalist for the Outstand Junior award at my business college. I was a *little excited-kinda like one of those feelings where you want to get excited but not too excited so that you don't let yourself down. I had to submit my resume and a "brief statement" about myself and why I qualify for this award. It took me a few hours to write a 4 paragraph document on how I exemplify a strong work ethic, integrity, dedication to leadership, professional development, and community service as required in the guideline of this award. I just felt like I had a lot to say and I'm not sure I did it as eloquently as I should have on paper. Regardless, after I submitted it, I must say I felt a little extra skip in my step knowing I had the possibility of being chosen. My whole time at this university has been a hussle. I worked, raised a baby, took 5 courses every semester, got straight A's, volunteered, found a couple internships, and kept our household running. It was really nice to think that I might be recognized for my dedication to work had and achieve my goals. It almost felt like a relief, like validation from an outside source that I was doing something right.
I got an email today saying that I was not chosen for the award, but that I was among the top 10 finalists and "should be proud of this achievement."
The tears seep out of my eyes...
What achievement? Obviously no random panel thinks I am doing enough to win the award. Obviously I didn't satisfy some judge's inner measuring stick even though I plow through every day with 100% dedication to my family and my goals. I never win. I work hard and it just goes unnoticed. I thought that I finally would be able to have some relief by having some external "academic" validation. I wish I was never told that I was even nominated. ....
4 minutes later, I get an email from the same person with an invitation for high academic achievers to attend a leadership seminar next month. I have to say, it felt set up...like "Oh I'm sorry you didn't get the award, but you're an outstanding student so come join this seminar." Or maybe it was more "You fell short in the area of leadership...why don't you attend this seminar?" Who knows. It didn't make me feel better though.
I know I sound like a selfish brat. I am sometimes, especially when I lose. The pressure I put on myself all just came crashing down on me. I have all these expectations for myself and it takes a lot of time and dedication to meet them. I told myself not to get too excited but emotionally I guess I got ahead of myself. I felt empty and sad, especially after all that crying. Now I really understand how my husband feels when he loses his golf long drive tournament. He trains and practices so hard for it all year, and it's over in a matter of minutes if you don't hit it right in the finals.
Hubby tip of the night: All that matters is that you make more opportunities for yourself. You don't have to win every one, but having more opportunities to win means giving yourself a better chance of winning next time.
I got an email today saying that I was not chosen for the award, but that I was among the top 10 finalists and "should be proud of this achievement."
The tears seep out of my eyes...
What achievement? Obviously no random panel thinks I am doing enough to win the award. Obviously I didn't satisfy some judge's inner measuring stick even though I plow through every day with 100% dedication to my family and my goals. I never win. I work hard and it just goes unnoticed. I thought that I finally would be able to have some relief by having some external "academic" validation. I wish I was never told that I was even nominated. ....
4 minutes later, I get an email from the same person with an invitation for high academic achievers to attend a leadership seminar next month. I have to say, it felt set up...like "Oh I'm sorry you didn't get the award, but you're an outstanding student so come join this seminar." Or maybe it was more "You fell short in the area of leadership...why don't you attend this seminar?" Who knows. It didn't make me feel better though.
I know I sound like a selfish brat. I am sometimes, especially when I lose. The pressure I put on myself all just came crashing down on me. I have all these expectations for myself and it takes a lot of time and dedication to meet them. I told myself not to get too excited but emotionally I guess I got ahead of myself. I felt empty and sad, especially after all that crying. Now I really understand how my husband feels when he loses his golf long drive tournament. He trains and practices so hard for it all year, and it's over in a matter of minutes if you don't hit it right in the finals.
Hubby tip of the night: All that matters is that you make more opportunities for yourself. You don't have to win every one, but having more opportunities to win means giving yourself a better chance of winning next time.
Monday, January 27, 2014
Make this work!
I want to really be committed to keeping up with this blog. I know the hardest part is finding time. Even if I do have time, it's really hard to get my butt off the couch when I find a free moment to sit down and do nothing (nothing = watching Modern Family while sprawled out in a vegetative state).
I just thought it would be encouraging if I could maintain some type of record of how it is like to be back in school with a kid. And by kid, I mean not an older one that can take care of him/herself. I'm talking about a toddler that likes to get into everything and constantly wants to interact and do what you're doing and won't even let you go to the bathroom by yourself. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE her to death!! She is the best thing that has happened to my husband and I. She makes every day full of sunshine (even when it's below zero out here in Cincinnati) and makes every day worth it. If you wonder why I am hobbling to college pregnant, taking a full course load, maintaining the kind of grades that your typical Asian girl wants, working 25 hours a week, and making time to cook healthy meals for my family every night, it's because I love my family more than anything and I want to be a living example to my daughter and future children that you can do what you put your mind to.
I have so many facets of my experience that I can't wait to share. I had to just delete a huge chunk of my paragraph because I was trying to cram all of it in this post. Give me time, I'll get better at this!!
(My family. :) And no we don't have matching glasses!!)
I just thought it would be encouraging if I could maintain some type of record of how it is like to be back in school with a kid. And by kid, I mean not an older one that can take care of him/herself. I'm talking about a toddler that likes to get into everything and constantly wants to interact and do what you're doing and won't even let you go to the bathroom by yourself. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE her to death!! She is the best thing that has happened to my husband and I. She makes every day full of sunshine (even when it's below zero out here in Cincinnati) and makes every day worth it. If you wonder why I am hobbling to college pregnant, taking a full course load, maintaining the kind of grades that your typical Asian girl wants, working 25 hours a week, and making time to cook healthy meals for my family every night, it's because I love my family more than anything and I want to be a living example to my daughter and future children that you can do what you put your mind to.
I have so many facets of my experience that I can't wait to share. I had to just delete a huge chunk of my paragraph because I was trying to cram all of it in this post. Give me time, I'll get better at this!!
Monday, April 23, 2012
Humdidium
So its been a while now since I last wrote. Skye is a big ol whoppin 9 month old baby now. ! Can you say WOW?! Time goes by so quickly. Some days have felt so very long, but when you look back all of those days it all seems to have whizzed by too quickly. She is such an affectionate action loving girl. During the day she wants to keep you on your toes and get into everything and make lots of noises and come tug on your leg to keep your attention, and when she's tired she just wants to cuddle and hug you (fav sleeping spot is ON you, any way any how. once she had rolled away from me in her sleep, but came wiggling back to the part of my body that was closest to her which happened to be my hand. she snuggled up on my hand and rested her head on it and fell back asleep.) And she says dada and mama and dog and goes RRRRR when you tell her "tiger". She opens her mouth when I get her baby toothbrush out (four teeth now!) so she's all ready to brush, and loves being licked to death by her cousin's dogs. She loves to eat. Oh boy that girl. She will come to you if you have food and stay there until she is satisfied, or until you run out. I know she is definately our child when I see her love for eating!
Life is a hot mess. Lol. I've been hearing that a lot lately and it so fits my life. Its like, oh ah no yes up down side to side craziness. But God is taking care of it all and I trust that we are being looked out for. And I hope he keeps sustaining me because I am going to definately need it-trying to finish school and make ends meet and learning to be happy every day.
Hugs and smiles to everyone!
Life is a hot mess. Lol. I've been hearing that a lot lately and it so fits my life. Its like, oh ah no yes up down side to side craziness. But God is taking care of it all and I trust that we are being looked out for. And I hope he keeps sustaining me because I am going to definately need it-trying to finish school and make ends meet and learning to be happy every day.
Hugs and smiles to everyone!
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
The World of Opportunities
I wish I was a single minded stream-roll-ahead kind of decisive person. I have so many things I think I want to try and so many things I think I could do and yet so many what ifs and nos and maybes running through my mind. I was watching America's Got Talent with my hubby Guy last night and we were talking about how there is so much out there, and at some point you have to be content with what you're doing. And, if not, change it. You see all these people come out of nowhere with the most amazing talent and then it makes you realize that hey, you dont have to be a car washer for the rest of your life, or you dont have to sing only to the mirror. You can go out there and do something. But more than their talent, I admire their desire to DO something. I mean, how many of us are wandering and not knowing and just getting by? I hate that life. I feel like I've been stuck there for some time now. While you're doing k-12th grade, you're busy with life-and after all you dont have a choice about going to school or not. Well I suppose you do, but most people don't. Then you get to college, and you get to choose what you want to study? You get to work or not work, go to class or not go, go 2 years, go 4 or go more? I mean from high school where your options were limited to which sports to play, or what to eat for lunch, or to take AP or not, now its like every aspect of your life is a decision! Isn't that a bit much? Not for everyone though, I know. My dad said that once he took a computer class in college, he thought, hey cool, and majored in it and suceeded in it. I am jealous. I'm like a nutcase when it comes to deciding. I feel like I could be good at something, or that it could make good money, or that I could see myself doing it everyday, and then I try to decide from those ifs and coulds and shoulds. Not just based on what I love! I wish I could simply see myself and know what I desire. I'm already 24 and yet I still don't know what I want to do! What is it that keeps me from knowing me? Part of me thinks Im a free thinker and independant, but at the same time when I really sit down and think about the why's, I feel like I need to have a four year degree from a good school, I need to work in an environment that will be looked up to in some way, and to be in a position that is "better" than average. Ugh. I'm the one bringing myself down....I love watching food network, and sometimes entertainment news. I love stories of people who made something from nothing. I love people finding their passions. I love helping and supporting. Thats me. But somehow I end up feeling like that isn't enough. When is it ever going to be enough?
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Hello 2011!
Sitting at my desk, with gray clouds and the smell of rain on its way. This weather makes me feel nostalgic, thoughtful, searching. I used to ponder a lot during my high school days about who I am, what makes me different, special, and then start to feel depressed because I couldn't quite figure out who I was apart from people. I guess I was blessed because I always had people around me. Now I'm a bit more independant and I don't have that group of friends I did in high school. Random people that turn into friends here and there. So now I see myself, and all the wonderful things that people around me would tell me I was all just seem like sweet flattery and nothing more. I used to feel like a kind hearted, warm, friendly person. But lately I feel so antisocial and all the other things that stem from it. Sigh. I'm growing into an old fart that shuts others out because it takes more effort to not. I am hoping to change that this new year. I just have a lot on my mind right now and I guess a lot of things that used to be important aren't as important to me as it used to be.
And I have to say, even though I'm not married yet, I'm living with my fiance which pretty much is marrid life minus the documents. It is not easy to always love and be caring. We are currently in a "silent treatment to eachother" mode and its not fun. This is probably wrong to say, but usually I can make my point with logic and my side of the argument all makes sense, but then it always gets disregarded as one sided even though I always think of him too. And so we bicker and fight and aruge and I get a headache until its all resolved. I think of him all the time when I do things but it always feels like I'm doing more of that than him. Maybe everyone feels that way when it comes to conflicts in a relationship??
And I have to say, even though I'm not married yet, I'm living with my fiance which pretty much is marrid life minus the documents. It is not easy to always love and be caring. We are currently in a "silent treatment to eachother" mode and its not fun. This is probably wrong to say, but usually I can make my point with logic and my side of the argument all makes sense, but then it always gets disregarded as one sided even though I always think of him too. And so we bicker and fight and aruge and I get a headache until its all resolved. I think of him all the time when I do things but it always feels like I'm doing more of that than him. Maybe everyone feels that way when it comes to conflicts in a relationship??
Monday, December 13, 2010
Its been a while!
WoW 7 months since the last time I wrote! A LOT has gone on through those times. Crazy. I am engaged and am waiting to be a mommy!! Those are two huge milestones in a girl's life. It can be crazy though, trying to juggle love and school and work on top of being pregnant. Lately I've been so exhausted that I just want to sleep every chance I get (and its also giving me really bad heartburn because I always fall asleep right after I eat). I even ditched my work Christmas party because I was busy sleeping on the couch. This baby is making me anti social!! :( I don't feel like going out, I don't feel like talking much...I just want to sleep. And then when I've slept too much, I have all this angst because I haven't moved my body and it feels sluggish and my brain feels restless. ARGGHH. Time to run again I see. I get tired easily but I guess its good to tire myself out and get fresh air. I hate sitting around and not doing anything but lately I've been feeling lazy--my body and brain are having a brawl.
But so far I am feeling happy in terms of the baby. Hopeful, excited, loving. I just wish I wasn't a waitress and student at the moment. I figured there is never a perfect time so mind as well be now so my hubby can be as young and healthy as he can be for our first kiddo. 21 years my senior doesn't make planning easier (or maybe it did? like a push off the cliff?). Haha. But I love him and want to be with him for the rest of my life--so that makes it feel natural regardless of the situation. Hmm. We shall see. More ups and downs to come I'm sure. Tomorrow is my first appointment. :)
I wasn't going to say anything about being pregnant yet, but that's what writing is, right? Its better to write honestly than to be secretive. Then its no fun to read. :P
But so far I am feeling happy in terms of the baby. Hopeful, excited, loving. I just wish I wasn't a waitress and student at the moment. I figured there is never a perfect time so mind as well be now so my hubby can be as young and healthy as he can be for our first kiddo. 21 years my senior doesn't make planning easier (or maybe it did? like a push off the cliff?). Haha. But I love him and want to be with him for the rest of my life--so that makes it feel natural regardless of the situation. Hmm. We shall see. More ups and downs to come I'm sure. Tomorrow is my first appointment. :)
I wasn't going to say anything about being pregnant yet, but that's what writing is, right? Its better to write honestly than to be secretive. Then its no fun to read. :P
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Happy Mothers Day!
A day early. But I guess it would be Mothers Day already in Japan. For those of you who read this, this is not me wanting an "aww Im sorry about what happened to you" response. I just want to share what is my life, and my wishes and my feelings.
I went to the grocery store today and they had such a pretty selection of flowers. I found a bouquet that I would have loved to give to my mom. I thought about anyone else I could give it to but couldnt think of anyone so I just walked on by. I saw a couple girls walking around trying to pick out something-for their moms I guessed. I totally envied themthat they had a mother they could give flowers to! I have always gotten so excited when my parents' birthdays or mothers/fathers day or christmas came around because it was a time when I could suprise them with something. I remember getting so excited in 6th grade when I was planning to buy them an espresso maker for Christmas, it made me had to go poop when I was at walmart looking around for stuff. My "oh my gosh I am so excited!" reaction.
Anyways, it is funny how you think you will never heal, but like they say, it really is time that heals. Well for me, its more like time makes you feel. Then you can start to heal. Im not trying to make it rhyme on purpose. But it never really hit me how the little desires affect your thoughts everyday...like the desire to share with my mom how I met a great guy even though he's "old" (:P-baby you know I love you! and Emma I know you're agreeing), or discuss the arguments I have with my boyfriend, or little things that happen at work, at school, how I saw something funny. Its mostly me just wanting to share my life with her. It somehow means so much more when I can share it with her because she understands and knows me better than anybody else. And she is also someone that has taught me so much and has made me grow as a person--still continues to do so till this day. Im so blessed to have had such an amazing woman in my life.
Anyways, Happy Mothers Day mama channnn!!! I love you and miss you!
Hugs,
Yuka
I went to the grocery store today and they had such a pretty selection of flowers. I found a bouquet that I would have loved to give to my mom. I thought about anyone else I could give it to but couldnt think of anyone so I just walked on by. I saw a couple girls walking around trying to pick out something-for their moms I guessed. I totally envied themthat they had a mother they could give flowers to! I have always gotten so excited when my parents' birthdays or mothers/fathers day or christmas came around because it was a time when I could suprise them with something. I remember getting so excited in 6th grade when I was planning to buy them an espresso maker for Christmas, it made me had to go poop when I was at walmart looking around for stuff. My "oh my gosh I am so excited!" reaction.
Anyways, it is funny how you think you will never heal, but like they say, it really is time that heals. Well for me, its more like time makes you feel. Then you can start to heal. Im not trying to make it rhyme on purpose. But it never really hit me how the little desires affect your thoughts everyday...like the desire to share with my mom how I met a great guy even though he's "old" (:P-baby you know I love you! and Emma I know you're agreeing), or discuss the arguments I have with my boyfriend, or little things that happen at work, at school, how I saw something funny. Its mostly me just wanting to share my life with her. It somehow means so much more when I can share it with her because she understands and knows me better than anybody else. And she is also someone that has taught me so much and has made me grow as a person--still continues to do so till this day. Im so blessed to have had such an amazing woman in my life.
Anyways, Happy Mothers Day mama channnn!!! I love you and miss you!
Hugs,
Yuka
Monday, April 5, 2010
Changes
They can be good, they can be bad. All you want to do is make sure that you are deciding in the best way that you know now. I am totally not inspired to write, so I will make a list of things I want to accomplish this year (this should have been a new years post but oh well)
-Run a marathon (which I will do in October)
-Make tiramisu
-Get a six pack
-Get straight A's
-Go rock climbing
-Work with a nutritionist
-Get free massages from Emma (muhahaha)(dont worry I will pay you when you start working but you know I will be a good practice board)
-Learn how to make 5 very yummy fish dishes
-Run 50 miles a week, at least
-Read 5 books (not much, I know. haha)
-Keep loving more and more every day
-Work my way up to becoming a waitress
-Become more organized
-Save money
-Go to the beach more often
-Start dancing hula again
:)
-Run a marathon (which I will do in October)
-Make tiramisu
-Get a six pack
-Get straight A's
-Go rock climbing
-Work with a nutritionist
-Get free massages from Emma (muhahaha)(dont worry I will pay you when you start working but you know I will be a good practice board)
-Learn how to make 5 very yummy fish dishes
-Run 50 miles a week, at least
-Read 5 books (not much, I know. haha)
-Keep loving more and more every day
-Work my way up to becoming a waitress
-Become more organized
-Save money
-Go to the beach more often
-Start dancing hula again
:)
Monday, December 28, 2009
Thankful
So many things have happened this year...its reached the highest highs and the lowest lows that I have ever experienced. Looking back, it doesnt seem so bad but its always very different after the fact. I am so very thankful for the lessons I have learned and for the people that have made my life very special. I am rejuvinated and sustained by the people dear to my heart, and am deeply thankful for the love that you have shown me. Whether Ive known you for a year, ten years, ten weeks, my life has been enriched and made colorful by you. Thank you for pushing me to be a better person, for inspiring me, for giving me energy and laughter!
2010 is going to be a GREAT year! I cannot wait to share it with everyone!
2010 is going to be a GREAT year! I cannot wait to share it with everyone!
Monday, September 14, 2009
Intimidation
I just realized what I do when I am intimidated by something. I start feeling like I am not interested anymore...and look for something totally different to start channeling my energies into. You know when what you have to do is still unclear and vague, its not as scary. And then you start heading towards your actual goal and you start to see how hard you actually have to work to get there and it starts to kinda get to you. Now I know some people who love a good challenge, but me, Im not sure that I do.
I went to go talk to my couselor at college today and I just realized HOW MUCH science I have to take to be in the dietetics major. I know, er, knew that it was going to be all about science, but then to realize the course load and to get a taste of the amount of mental capacity I need freaked me out. I dont consider myself dumb, but I dont consider myself studious or academically inclined either. Im intimidated... and also scared because I dont want to see myself fail. Actually, I have never put myself in a situation where I have failed because I don't think that I could stand the fact that I cannot accomplish what I set out to do. When I see others fail, or not get to their goal, I think its totally fine because "at least they tried their best". But would I be able to tell myself that? No.
It takes guts to fail because if you didn't try in the first place, then of course you would be in the safety zone of averageness. I dont want to stay stuck in average!!!
I went to go talk to my couselor at college today and I just realized HOW MUCH science I have to take to be in the dietetics major. I know, er, knew that it was going to be all about science, but then to realize the course load and to get a taste of the amount of mental capacity I need freaked me out. I dont consider myself dumb, but I dont consider myself studious or academically inclined either. Im intimidated... and also scared because I dont want to see myself fail. Actually, I have never put myself in a situation where I have failed because I don't think that I could stand the fact that I cannot accomplish what I set out to do. When I see others fail, or not get to their goal, I think its totally fine because "at least they tried their best". But would I be able to tell myself that? No.
It takes guts to fail because if you didn't try in the first place, then of course you would be in the safety zone of averageness. I dont want to stay stuck in average!!!
Sunday, September 6, 2009
Do you have one too?
A song that reminds you strongly of your past. I tried to find my song from my past and it wasnt even on youtube. Its called Songs From An American Movie pt 2. Everclear.
"Sometimes I get to a point, where I dont give a damn about anything anymore...sometimes I get to a point where I feel numb and I just dont care. "
Sometimes I do get to that point. Sometimes I want to let everything go-my happy go lucky character, the smile everyone knows and expects on my face. Sometimes I want to sulk in the pain, and not pretend that I still care.... I want to alienate myself from everything thats going on and be safe on the sidelines of inactivity and just feel the hurt. I just want to sit there and deepy wholly feel in every inch of my body and mind know the confusion and pain. Its theraputic for me...me, always trying to do things for everyone else but me, and always being worried about whether I was liked or not. To not give a damn feels pretty good. High school drama you know. Gotta work hard to be liked by everyone! Its just you try so hard every day and nothing seems good enough so you swear to yourself that tomorrow I wont do this, and I will do this and that to be better. I always kept on that happy face. I tried so hard to be pleasing. what was my other option? To be a bitch? To be honest and maybe hurt or offend someone? Both those options were basically the same thing in my mind. Offend/shock someone=bad. Make people happy and do anything to do so=good. Then once in a while, it all crashes down on you, like someone you think you like isnt treating you right, or someone you were trying really hard to be nice to still acts like a selfish bitch, or you thought you were such a good person and then you get into big ass trouble from your dad for a)i dont remember, and b)i still cant remember. But either way, your self esteem takes such a blow that you feel like you want to either break something or hurt yourself. Listening to this song, I felt the deep hurt. It was theraputic because I wanted people to care about me so much, and I tried so hard to get them to, but then I didnt even care about anything at that point and it made me feel so free. Like hah, I thought I gave a damn but now I dont even give a damn about me so screw it all. And for those couple minutes (or maybe half an hour on repeat) I could live in the music and let go of the facade I created for myself and made myself suffer in. It was nice. I felt like I was rebelling against what I stood for. Not that I was always seeking attention. I did sincerely not want to be a bitch, and wanted others to be happy. But I think I didnt give myself enough attention and validation. And of course me being young and naive thought it better to always leave my opinions to myself and to let everyone else be right.
"I see a picture where everyone is smiling, I know I got to keep it on the inside"
Everyone seemed so much happier than me. I felt so sad inside, and I felt so lonely and abnormal...and all I did was show a happy face. This realization, or maybe delusion, made me really lonely a lot of the times. But I felt like I had to swallow those feelings, keep it on the inside too. I thought I could keep faking it and then at some point these feelings would go away. How could everyone be so happy? I constantly lived with insecurities and lonliness because I made myself suffer alone...oh no. Me? sad? No way could I show that side of me, not did I want to. I went home and cried a lot during those times. This guy who wrote this song understood though. It helped me to connect with my feelings.
"I want to get lost from my life sometimes, sit on the side and watch the world go by, I want to get lost and dream for a while"
Running away...how that sounded great. I wanted to just leave everything behind. Let everyone wonder....I wanted to become someone that didnt care about anything. Those days that I really didnt care....wow...apathy is stronger than anything. Not to say that Im suggesting everyone go apathetic. But if you dont care, nothing shakes you. Great defense mechanism. But sad. And reduces your experience as a human to basically zero. You dont care about homework, you dont care about people, you dont care about laughing. You dont do anything and you arent either happy or sad or disappointed. you are basically at a zero. take what you get, dont care about what you dont have. Sitting on the side was safe. You didnt have to get hurt. You just let the misery engulf you and leave you apathetic. You can float through life not actively choosing anything. And by not expecting, you are never disappointed. Who knew feeling was such a risk?
"The only thing that ever made sense to me...is the sound of my little girl laughing alive and happy in the summertime"
Maybe this song is the reason why I became so inclined to becoming a mother in high school. Not to have a baby in high school, but the determination to become a mother in my future started in high school. I didnt have someone equivalent to his little girl like in they lyrics. I didnt have anyone or anything I could call my own. I was a daughter, I was a sister, but no one was really mine. And I envied this guy because he had a world he could escape in, and a world where he was always welcome. Its like that was the center of his universe, holding him down, keeping him sane and giving him a place to belong. Me, I didnt have that. I wanted that so badly. I looked for it and tried so hard to get it with the people around me but that trying drove me to not care. That didnt work out too well.
"I am just like everyone I know..I am afraid of the things that I just dont know..I am afraid of ever really being alone..."
I didnt know anything about anyone who had the similar feelings. I felt so alone in the things that I felt. but then under everyones smiles and friendly hellos...maybe everyone had doubts and insecurities as strong as mine? Maybe others too, go home and night and feel disappointed, or feel like crying and giving up too. Well, this conclusion I came to later in my high school life, but it opened up my eyes and made me feel less alone. We all have to go on. We all have to keep trying. But everyone is only human. Everyone carries insecurities and wants to be accepted. When I realized that, it made it easier for me to live my life. It made it easier for me to not try and be so perfect, to express myself. It made me feel okay to feel what I felt. And to know that I didnt have to try and be so happy all the time. If Im being fake about my happiness, it would only push other people to not show true emotions too.
Okay shit this sucks! haha. Im trying to write a draft for my essay. i thought it might help if i blogged because usually I write better when Im writing for myself and not for class. But I cant help it because I KNOW that I wouldnt write something like this for myself. Or wait. Maybe I would. I was in the shower recalling songs from my growing up, and I can sing without forgetting any of the words from my favorite 98Degrees songs. Those bring back memories too. And Britney, cant forget Britney. She was my idol. I daydreamed about being on a stage and dancing it up like she did...ah. Most of my close friends know I still really do like her though. :P
"Sometimes I get to a point, where I dont give a damn about anything anymore...sometimes I get to a point where I feel numb and I just dont care. "
Sometimes I do get to that point. Sometimes I want to let everything go-my happy go lucky character, the smile everyone knows and expects on my face. Sometimes I want to sulk in the pain, and not pretend that I still care.... I want to alienate myself from everything thats going on and be safe on the sidelines of inactivity and just feel the hurt. I just want to sit there and deepy wholly feel in every inch of my body and mind know the confusion and pain. Its theraputic for me...me, always trying to do things for everyone else but me, and always being worried about whether I was liked or not. To not give a damn feels pretty good. High school drama you know. Gotta work hard to be liked by everyone! Its just you try so hard every day and nothing seems good enough so you swear to yourself that tomorrow I wont do this, and I will do this and that to be better. I always kept on that happy face. I tried so hard to be pleasing. what was my other option? To be a bitch? To be honest and maybe hurt or offend someone? Both those options were basically the same thing in my mind. Offend/shock someone=bad. Make people happy and do anything to do so=good. Then once in a while, it all crashes down on you, like someone you think you like isnt treating you right, or someone you were trying really hard to be nice to still acts like a selfish bitch, or you thought you were such a good person and then you get into big ass trouble from your dad for a)i dont remember, and b)i still cant remember. But either way, your self esteem takes such a blow that you feel like you want to either break something or hurt yourself. Listening to this song, I felt the deep hurt. It was theraputic because I wanted people to care about me so much, and I tried so hard to get them to, but then I didnt even care about anything at that point and it made me feel so free. Like hah, I thought I gave a damn but now I dont even give a damn about me so screw it all. And for those couple minutes (or maybe half an hour on repeat) I could live in the music and let go of the facade I created for myself and made myself suffer in. It was nice. I felt like I was rebelling against what I stood for. Not that I was always seeking attention. I did sincerely not want to be a bitch, and wanted others to be happy. But I think I didnt give myself enough attention and validation. And of course me being young and naive thought it better to always leave my opinions to myself and to let everyone else be right.
"I see a picture where everyone is smiling, I know I got to keep it on the inside"
Everyone seemed so much happier than me. I felt so sad inside, and I felt so lonely and abnormal...and all I did was show a happy face. This realization, or maybe delusion, made me really lonely a lot of the times. But I felt like I had to swallow those feelings, keep it on the inside too. I thought I could keep faking it and then at some point these feelings would go away. How could everyone be so happy? I constantly lived with insecurities and lonliness because I made myself suffer alone...oh no. Me? sad? No way could I show that side of me, not did I want to. I went home and cried a lot during those times. This guy who wrote this song understood though. It helped me to connect with my feelings.
"I want to get lost from my life sometimes, sit on the side and watch the world go by, I want to get lost and dream for a while"
Running away...how that sounded great. I wanted to just leave everything behind. Let everyone wonder....I wanted to become someone that didnt care about anything. Those days that I really didnt care....wow...apathy is stronger than anything. Not to say that Im suggesting everyone go apathetic. But if you dont care, nothing shakes you. Great defense mechanism. But sad. And reduces your experience as a human to basically zero. You dont care about homework, you dont care about people, you dont care about laughing. You dont do anything and you arent either happy or sad or disappointed. you are basically at a zero. take what you get, dont care about what you dont have. Sitting on the side was safe. You didnt have to get hurt. You just let the misery engulf you and leave you apathetic. You can float through life not actively choosing anything. And by not expecting, you are never disappointed. Who knew feeling was such a risk?
"The only thing that ever made sense to me...is the sound of my little girl laughing alive and happy in the summertime"
Maybe this song is the reason why I became so inclined to becoming a mother in high school. Not to have a baby in high school, but the determination to become a mother in my future started in high school. I didnt have someone equivalent to his little girl like in they lyrics. I didnt have anyone or anything I could call my own. I was a daughter, I was a sister, but no one was really mine. And I envied this guy because he had a world he could escape in, and a world where he was always welcome. Its like that was the center of his universe, holding him down, keeping him sane and giving him a place to belong. Me, I didnt have that. I wanted that so badly. I looked for it and tried so hard to get it with the people around me but that trying drove me to not care. That didnt work out too well.
"I am just like everyone I know..I am afraid of the things that I just dont know..I am afraid of ever really being alone..."
I didnt know anything about anyone who had the similar feelings. I felt so alone in the things that I felt. but then under everyones smiles and friendly hellos...maybe everyone had doubts and insecurities as strong as mine? Maybe others too, go home and night and feel disappointed, or feel like crying and giving up too. Well, this conclusion I came to later in my high school life, but it opened up my eyes and made me feel less alone. We all have to go on. We all have to keep trying. But everyone is only human. Everyone carries insecurities and wants to be accepted. When I realized that, it made it easier for me to live my life. It made it easier for me to not try and be so perfect, to express myself. It made me feel okay to feel what I felt. And to know that I didnt have to try and be so happy all the time. If Im being fake about my happiness, it would only push other people to not show true emotions too.
Okay shit this sucks! haha. Im trying to write a draft for my essay. i thought it might help if i blogged because usually I write better when Im writing for myself and not for class. But I cant help it because I KNOW that I wouldnt write something like this for myself. Or wait. Maybe I would. I was in the shower recalling songs from my growing up, and I can sing without forgetting any of the words from my favorite 98Degrees songs. Those bring back memories too. And Britney, cant forget Britney. She was my idol. I daydreamed about being on a stage and dancing it up like she did...ah. Most of my close friends know I still really do like her though. :P
Sunday, July 12, 2009
I am one of those...
....sad people who blog online hoping one day someone will see it. haha.
today I went to the beach and had fun...I actually had fun! So that was a development for me. And I had a constructive argument. Which is also fantastic. Haha. And I am doing something for myself finally. So yay for that too!
Cheers, me. Unless someone wants to clink glasses with me.
today I went to the beach and had fun...I actually had fun! So that was a development for me. And I had a constructive argument. Which is also fantastic. Haha. And I am doing something for myself finally. So yay for that too!
Cheers, me. Unless someone wants to clink glasses with me.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Peeling an Onion
What if, when you peel layers of self doubt, insecurity, feelings of insufficiency, the hustle and bustle of monotnous everyday life, of needing to please, of having to meet expectations and deadlines...that you realize there is nothing left in the center, like peeling an onion? What if there is no fruit, not even a seed, left of what should be a substantial you? Just layers and layers of excess, so much a part of what is you without your choosing, without your thinking, forming you, making you a product of the expectations of others. The shoulds and have-tos, slowly make you feel that without accomplishing them, you are worthless. Not even that they are imposed on you. Sometimes, we just allow ourselves to need the praises and ohhs and ahhs of others and put harsh expectations and unreasonable goals on ourselves-like the need to be recognized as special above your fellow human beings. "I should go to a distinguished school, graduate with a certain degree, have a career that others admire, be the kind of person that others look up to, be rich, be likeable in every way, be the best choice for everyone and everything in every way..." and if I am not then I am a flop. And then, well, what happens when no one cares? What if theres no one that gives a f#$% about where you went to school, what degree you have, even what kind of person you are?? What gives you your self worth? Everyone is caring about themselves now. What they need to and want to accomplish, their goals, their lives. Theyre not going to sit around and make you feel worthwhile because you need it. I need to think more about that and start growing a seed inside of me. For a while I went insane because I realized that what I thought was nothing. That what I thought was always about what other people thought. And now I have to get up and think for myself, and live for myself. With my Christian background, I know it sounds selfish to say "live for myself" but Ive been a people pleaser all my life. I cant grow up unless I let go of those ways. I cant have kids and teach them to be like that! I dont want them to go through the same kind of suffering and craziness I went through. You have to know where to draw the lines, how to think for yourself, and to be respectable to others. I want to be a peach, or an apple, or anything that if you peel off the hustle and bustlely deadlines and commitments bit, that there is actually something there thats wholly me and sweet.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
I should be going to bed...
but decided that I hadn't written in this thing for long enough.
Right now, I want to be a thankful person. I want to live, laugh and love. I want to keep seeing life in color. Its all there! We just have to see it. :)
Right now, I want to be a thankful person. I want to live, laugh and love. I want to keep seeing life in color. Its all there! We just have to see it. :)
Friday, December 12, 2008
How do you live your life?
How do you decide to live your life? How do you decide to see life? Meaningless? Joyful? Exciting? Monotonous? Boring? Puzzling? Wonderful?
We all share the same space. The same time. The same people. But the way we view life shapes the way we are and the way that we live our lives day to day. I think I am in a bit of a morphing stage. Or rather, where I am learning to bust out of my caccoon, and fly with my own two wings. Its hard, this process. I guess we are all evolving everyday. We learn new things, see new perspectives. (which I wonder, are they really "new", or rather just all opinions that have been passed around over time, over history, and repeated into the ears of those that havent yet heard? you could argue the "improve upon our ancestors" theory) We change. Find better ways to live. But there are some that stay either complacent, or satisfied with the way that they are. And some are in a good place, theyve found their comfortable way of living that also brings them happiness. Others, give up trying to find THAT thing, that little something that keeps the sparkle in life even as you get old. And they think thats all lifes got to offer them. ehh, I wasnt born into a loving household. What can you expect of me. ahh, I dont have enough money to do that, Ill get nowhere. No one is ever going to understand me, so who cares, Im going to stop caring about trying to be understood, stop caring. Why give up there? Are you satisfied?? Its not about trying trying trying to get yourself into the perfect situation, but its about learning to view your situation in a way that is constructive. Being content with where you are at is not the same as becoming complacent about where you are at. With contentment its not just passively accepting, but its about wanting what you have, about something within you saying "yes!". Complacency is like water through a net. Youll take whatever comes into your life, youll let whatever leave. You have no opinion and no shape, and you allow yourself to become less human and more...just taking up soaking up and something you werent supposed to be.
So live! I hate how we have all the comforts and opportunities but we live like we have nothing. I mean, look at most of the rest of the world. The poor, the homeless, the sick. They really have nothing, but they have so much more they hope for and dream for than I feel like we would ever have. Its hopes and dreams that keep people really striving to do better. And I want to keep dreaming and hoping and wishing even when I get old. Even when Ive seen all the ugly bits of life. I still want to dream and live big.
We all share the same space. The same time. The same people. But the way we view life shapes the way we are and the way that we live our lives day to day. I think I am in a bit of a morphing stage. Or rather, where I am learning to bust out of my caccoon, and fly with my own two wings. Its hard, this process. I guess we are all evolving everyday. We learn new things, see new perspectives. (which I wonder, are they really "new", or rather just all opinions that have been passed around over time, over history, and repeated into the ears of those that havent yet heard? you could argue the "improve upon our ancestors" theory) We change. Find better ways to live. But there are some that stay either complacent, or satisfied with the way that they are. And some are in a good place, theyve found their comfortable way of living that also brings them happiness. Others, give up trying to find THAT thing, that little something that keeps the sparkle in life even as you get old. And they think thats all lifes got to offer them. ehh, I wasnt born into a loving household. What can you expect of me. ahh, I dont have enough money to do that, Ill get nowhere. No one is ever going to understand me, so who cares, Im going to stop caring about trying to be understood, stop caring. Why give up there? Are you satisfied?? Its not about trying trying trying to get yourself into the perfect situation, but its about learning to view your situation in a way that is constructive. Being content with where you are at is not the same as becoming complacent about where you are at. With contentment its not just passively accepting, but its about wanting what you have, about something within you saying "yes!". Complacency is like water through a net. Youll take whatever comes into your life, youll let whatever leave. You have no opinion and no shape, and you allow yourself to become less human and more...just taking up soaking up and something you werent supposed to be.
So live! I hate how we have all the comforts and opportunities but we live like we have nothing. I mean, look at most of the rest of the world. The poor, the homeless, the sick. They really have nothing, but they have so much more they hope for and dream for than I feel like we would ever have. Its hopes and dreams that keep people really striving to do better. And I want to keep dreaming and hoping and wishing even when I get old. Even when Ive seen all the ugly bits of life. I still want to dream and live big.
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
I just read that you cannot create by trying to be different. You cannot create by trying to not be something. You just are, and you just do.
Okay Im not in the mood to write. My room is a mess and Im sleepy. I didnt even do anything today. I feel unproductive, but is there any reason to be doing something? I always feel the need to be doing something. Get things done! Do this do that. If Im on the computer, Im writing someone, so its productive, yes. I cant just sit there and play games because video games are the anti-product of productivity. Same with sitting and watching TV unless its the news, or something educational that will help me along the way. If Im just at home, if I dont talk to people, I conclude that I was not productive. I should be going out, I should be learning, seeing, doing. I should wake up early, I should go running, I should be cooking, cleaning, having people over, laughing, understanding, creating warmth. What is life without appreciating, and being appreciated? I used to think it was enough that I would give and give and give. But you learn that taking and allowing yourself to be given to is part of the joy too. And being unconscious enough about it that you let it bring you joy, instead of feeling guilty or feeling like you are an obligation.
Ok so I just totally changed topics, but all in all Im saying that right now, whatever I decide to do with my career, schooling, where I live, I just want life to be full. More than thinking about yourself, more than wanting it your way and being unhappy or critical when it isnt, its about appreciating, and trying to understand and open your heart to other people. People need to give up just that 10, no maybe even 5 percent of their own "truth" so that they can make room for other people in their lives. Unity and love. Ahh perfect for the holiday season, no?
Okay Im not in the mood to write. My room is a mess and Im sleepy. I didnt even do anything today. I feel unproductive, but is there any reason to be doing something? I always feel the need to be doing something. Get things done! Do this do that. If Im on the computer, Im writing someone, so its productive, yes. I cant just sit there and play games because video games are the anti-product of productivity. Same with sitting and watching TV unless its the news, or something educational that will help me along the way. If Im just at home, if I dont talk to people, I conclude that I was not productive. I should be going out, I should be learning, seeing, doing. I should wake up early, I should go running, I should be cooking, cleaning, having people over, laughing, understanding, creating warmth. What is life without appreciating, and being appreciated? I used to think it was enough that I would give and give and give. But you learn that taking and allowing yourself to be given to is part of the joy too. And being unconscious enough about it that you let it bring you joy, instead of feeling guilty or feeling like you are an obligation.
Ok so I just totally changed topics, but all in all Im saying that right now, whatever I decide to do with my career, schooling, where I live, I just want life to be full. More than thinking about yourself, more than wanting it your way and being unhappy or critical when it isnt, its about appreciating, and trying to understand and open your heart to other people. People need to give up just that 10, no maybe even 5 percent of their own "truth" so that they can make room for other people in their lives. Unity and love. Ahh perfect for the holiday season, no?
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Over Here in California
Its sad to say, but I guess I've grown so accustomed to living a lonely life. I'm realizing how up in my head I am all the time. I meet people, sure, I spend time talking to people, sharing a laugh, being amongst people. But everything I do, I feel like it's to run away from the fact that I'm actually very alone, the fact that I'm insecure that I'm not doing what "everyone else is doing," the fact that I don't want to be the only one missing out from the whole crowd of people. I see this rigid structure of "normal" or "acceptable" or maybe even "cool" that I feel am never a part of. Always feeling like I'm out of the loop in some way, shape, or form. Always feeling like there is something not enough with me. Not social enough. Not funny enough. Not friendly enough. Not approachable enough. Not talked to enough. Not the center of attention enough (what girl doesn't like to be the center of attention once in a while?) Not this and that and a whole lot of things that I am not enough of. And I feel like I keep living like I have to prove myself otherwise...like I am social enough. I am funny enough. I am friendly enough. So all my efforts are put into trying to become all those things I feel I am not enough of so that I can become the perfect person that I envision in my head. Constantly I question myself, what I am doing, how I am carrying myself, how I look, how I speak...I feel so superfocused on my flaws, that each action I take or don't take will leave me punching myself or asking why I can't be like that more often. Never is an action or a situation just within the context of that situation. How these insecurities tie me down! I just am so fed up with being so aware of what I suck at, and even more so of me trying to do what I can't do. Why can't I focus on what I am, and what I can do, instead of always trying to make myself do what I can't? I guess I like to think that I could become the person I always wanted to be. And anyone can, but I can't be a vacuum and swallow everything thats fed to me. I have to pick and choose what I like, what I don't like, who I am, who I am not. My friend tells me she doesn't like going out with a bunch of people. In my eyes, I would have totally just labelled her as anti-social and afraid to meet new people. And I looked down upon it because its exactly what I did not want to become. But then at the same time, each person has a right to be and do whatever they LIKE. And she has the confidence and assurance within herself to be able to say hey, this, I dont like. And I respect her for that! I wish I could give up on trying to be what I think I am not ("think," because I dont think Im funny, but people tell me I am sometimes. And I dont think Im outgoing, but people tell me I am sometimes too.) and focus more on the things that I like. I think I could live more outside my head if I thought that way.
Somewhere along the line, I felt conditioned to have to be a certain way, when in fact there is not certain way that I have to be at all. If I like to be a homebody, then so be it. If I just want to raise a family and have neighborhood barbeques, then so be it. If I want to be single...well, no, not that. But I want to start focusing more on what I want, and what I like, instead of what everyone else wants, or what everyone else thinks is "normal" or "cool" or "accepted" so that I can live a happy and full life that is not everyone else's, but my own!
Somewhere along the line, I felt conditioned to have to be a certain way, when in fact there is not certain way that I have to be at all. If I like to be a homebody, then so be it. If I just want to raise a family and have neighborhood barbeques, then so be it. If I want to be single...well, no, not that. But I want to start focusing more on what I want, and what I like, instead of what everyone else wants, or what everyone else thinks is "normal" or "cool" or "accepted" so that I can live a happy and full life that is not everyone else's, but my own!
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
Cheesy but, yes "the start of a new beginning."
So, as my life is in the middle of change, I decided I wanted to start this blog to keep you posted, to keep my own mind recorded somewhere, and to share it if you care to know. I guess I'll say this now, but forgive me because 1) I know I am inconsistent. 2) I am vague and not particularly good with words and 3) feelings=my life. So I'll try as much as possible to be concrete and share what's been going on in my life, in terms of, I'm moving here, going there, I've done this and that, but most times, my "i want to write!" moments come out of strong emotions and philosophical ponderings and questions about life.
Anyways, right now, I am basically a フリーター, just working everyday, kinda long days sometimes, but its better than sitting around at home (yes daddy I know there is much to do at home as well) for me. Although it feels great, GREAT I tell you! to be out of nasty high heels. I know all you females out there go through the same thing but those things are painful! And in Tokyo its not all about travelling around in cars. Standing all the way on the train to work, walking to work, walking from work, walking walking walking. Walking at home in the dark, crazy lady screaming on the street to "you get out, get out!" (where?), sad lady talking to herself quietly, police men stopping me, telling me to keep my cell phone in my pocket in case, ambulances passing by, the rain pouring down (but now they have umbrellas at the station for the elderly to borrow, and return in two days. thats nice of the city.) I sometimes wonder why people were put on this earth to have to go through a joyless life. And end up crazy depressed, crazy hopeless, crazy bored. We should go the other way crazy, the good crazy, and maybe we can do something for all the crazies in the world.
Back to work, where I shred papers like crazy and make friends with the copy machine. Right now I'm working at pricewaterhousecoopers. For any accountants out there, its a great place to work! People are friendly and the atmosphere is relaxed, well it does get a little static during busy season. But otherwise its alright. And I teach english 3 times a week. And I go to hula and singing lessons when I can. Right now I have no time to practice so I haven't gone in a while. I'm also getting things slowly set with the move over to California, buying my ticket, taking care of money issues here, address changes, dentist appointments, skin doctors, yada yada. I dont realize how soon June 27th is going to come. Shit. Kinda scared to know that I have much to do to leave, and then to be on my own. I know many of you have already gone through that and maybe it isn't so bad.
I'll start today by tagging all my old stuff for the thrift shop at the end of the month I suppose. Do any of you need some used shoes, books, expired taco seasoning, or whitie tighties? Let me know.
Anyways, right now, I am basically a フリーター, just working everyday, kinda long days sometimes, but its better than sitting around at home (yes daddy I know there is much to do at home as well) for me. Although it feels great, GREAT I tell you! to be out of nasty high heels. I know all you females out there go through the same thing but those things are painful! And in Tokyo its not all about travelling around in cars. Standing all the way on the train to work, walking to work, walking from work, walking walking walking. Walking at home in the dark, crazy lady screaming on the street to "you get out, get out!" (where?), sad lady talking to herself quietly, police men stopping me, telling me to keep my cell phone in my pocket in case, ambulances passing by, the rain pouring down (but now they have umbrellas at the station for the elderly to borrow, and return in two days. thats nice of the city.) I sometimes wonder why people were put on this earth to have to go through a joyless life. And end up crazy depressed, crazy hopeless, crazy bored. We should go the other way crazy, the good crazy, and maybe we can do something for all the crazies in the world.
Back to work, where I shred papers like crazy and make friends with the copy machine. Right now I'm working at pricewaterhousecoopers. For any accountants out there, its a great place to work! People are friendly and the atmosphere is relaxed, well it does get a little static during busy season. But otherwise its alright. And I teach english 3 times a week. And I go to hula and singing lessons when I can. Right now I have no time to practice so I haven't gone in a while. I'm also getting things slowly set with the move over to California, buying my ticket, taking care of money issues here, address changes, dentist appointments, skin doctors, yada yada. I dont realize how soon June 27th is going to come. Shit. Kinda scared to know that I have much to do to leave, and then to be on my own. I know many of you have already gone through that and maybe it isn't so bad.
I'll start today by tagging all my old stuff for the thrift shop at the end of the month I suppose. Do any of you need some used shoes, books, expired taco seasoning, or whitie tighties? Let me know.
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