Make this work!

I want to really be committed to keeping up with this blog. I know the hardest part is finding time. Even if I do have time, it's really hard to get my butt off the couch when I find a free moment to sit down and do nothing (nothing = watching Modern Family while sprawled out in a vegetative state).

I just thought it would be encouraging if I could maintain some type of record of how it is like to be back in school with a kid. And by kid, I mean not an older one that can take care of him/herself. I'm talking about a toddler that likes to get into everything and constantly wants to interact and do what you're doing and won't even let you go to the bathroom by yourself. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE her to death!! She is the best thing that has happened to my husband and I. She makes every day full of sunshine (even when it's below zero out here in Cincinnati) and makes every day worth it. If you wonder why I am hobbling to college pregnant, taking a full course load, maintaining the kind of grades that your typical Asian girl wants, working 25 hours a week, and making time to cook healthy meals for my family every night, it's because I love my family more than anything and I want to be a living example to my daughter and future children that you can do what you put your mind to.

I have so many facets of my experience that I can't wait to share. I had to just delete a huge chunk of my paragraph because I was trying to cram all of it in this post. Give me time, I'll get better at this!!

(My family. :) And no we don't have matching glasses!!)

Humdidium

So its been a while now since I last wrote. Skye is a big ol whoppin 9 month old baby now. ! Can you say WOW?! Time goes by so quickly. Some days have felt so very long, but when you look back all of those days it all seems to have whizzed by too quickly. She is such an affectionate action loving girl. During the day she wants to keep you on your toes and get into everything and make lots of noises and come tug on your leg to keep your attention, and when she's tired she just wants to cuddle and hug you (fav sleeping spot is ON you, any way any how. once she had rolled away from me in her sleep, but came wiggling back to the part of my body that was closest to her which happened to be my hand. she snuggled up on my hand and rested her head on it and fell back asleep.) And she says dada and mama and dog and goes RRRRR when you tell her "tiger". She opens her mouth when I get her baby toothbrush out (four teeth now!) so she's all ready to brush, and loves being licked to death by her cousin's dogs. She loves to eat. Oh boy that girl. She will come to you if you have food and stay there until she is satisfied, or until you run out. I know she is definately our child when I see her love for eating!
Life is a hot mess. Lol. I've been hearing that a lot lately and it so fits my life. Its like, oh ah no yes up down side to side craziness. But God is taking care of it all and I trust that we are being looked out for. And I hope he keeps sustaining me because I am going to definately need it-trying to finish school and make ends meet and learning to be happy every day.
Hugs and smiles to everyone!

The World of Opportunities

I wish I was a single minded stream-roll-ahead kind of decisive person. I have so many things I think I want to try and so many things I think I could do and yet so many what ifs and nos and maybes running through my mind. I was watching America's Got Talent with my hubby Guy last night and we were talking about how there is so much out there, and at some point you have to be content with what you're doing. And, if not, change it. You see all these people come out of nowhere with the most amazing talent and then it makes you realize that hey, you dont have to be a car washer for the rest of your life, or you dont have to sing only to the mirror. You can go out there and do something. But more than their talent, I admire their desire to DO something. I mean, how many of us are wandering and not knowing and just getting by? I hate that life. I feel like I've been stuck there for some time now. While you're doing k-12th grade, you're busy with life-and after all you dont have a choice about going to school or not. Well I suppose you do, but most people don't. Then you get to college, and you get to choose what you want to study? You get to work or not work, go to class or not go, go 2 years, go 4 or go more? I mean from high school where your options were limited to which sports to play, or what to eat for lunch, or to take AP or not, now its like every aspect of your life is a decision! Isn't that a bit much? Not for everyone though, I know. My dad said that once he took a computer class in college, he thought, hey cool, and majored in it and suceeded in it. I am jealous. I'm like a nutcase when it comes to deciding. I feel like I could be good at something, or that it could make good money, or that I could see myself doing it everyday, and then I try to decide from those ifs and coulds and shoulds. Not just based on what I love! I wish I could simply see myself and know what I desire. I'm already 24 and yet I still don't know what I want to do! What is it that keeps me from knowing me? Part of me thinks Im a free thinker and independant, but at the same time when I really sit down and think about the why's, I feel like I need to have a four year degree from a good school, I need to work in an environment that will be looked up to in some way, and to be in a position that is "better" than average. Ugh. I'm the one bringing myself down....I love watching food network, and sometimes entertainment news. I love stories of people who made something from nothing. I love people finding their passions. I love helping and supporting. Thats me. But somehow I end up feeling like that isn't enough. When is it ever going to be enough?

Hello 2011!

Sitting at my desk, with gray clouds and the smell of rain on its way. This weather makes me feel nostalgic, thoughtful, searching. I used to ponder a lot during my high school days about who I am, what makes me different, special, and then start to feel depressed because I couldn't quite figure out who I was apart from people. I guess I was blessed because I always had people around me. Now I'm a bit more independant and I don't have that group of friends I did in high school. Random people that turn into friends here and there. So now I see myself, and all the wonderful things that people around me would tell me I was all just seem like sweet flattery and nothing more. I used to feel like a kind hearted, warm, friendly person. But lately I feel so antisocial and all the other things that stem from it. Sigh. I'm growing into an old fart that shuts others out because it takes more effort to not. I am hoping to change that this new year. I just have a lot on my mind right now and I guess a lot of things that used to be important aren't as important to me as it used to be.

And I have to say, even though I'm not married yet, I'm living with my fiance which pretty much is marrid life minus the documents. It is not easy to always love and be caring. We are currently in a "silent treatment to eachother" mode and its not fun. This is probably wrong to say, but usually I can make my point with logic and my side of the argument all makes sense, but then it always gets disregarded as one sided even though I always think of him too. And so we bicker and fight and aruge and I get a headache until its all resolved. I think of him all the time when I do things but it always feels like I'm doing more of that than him. Maybe everyone feels that way when it comes to conflicts in a relationship??

Its been a while!

WoW 7 months since the last time I wrote! A LOT has gone on through those times. Crazy. I am engaged and am waiting to be a mommy!! Those are two huge milestones in a girl's life. It can be crazy though, trying to juggle love and school and work on top of being pregnant. Lately I've been so exhausted that I just want to sleep every chance I get (and its also giving me really bad heartburn because I always fall asleep right after I eat). I even ditched my work Christmas party because I was busy sleeping on the couch. This baby is making me anti social!! :( I don't feel like going out, I don't feel like talking much...I just want to sleep. And then when I've slept too much, I have all this angst because I haven't moved my body and it feels sluggish and my brain feels restless. ARGGHH. Time to run again I see. I get tired easily but I guess its good to tire myself out and get fresh air. I hate sitting around and not doing anything but lately I've been feeling lazy--my body and brain are having a brawl.

But so far I am feeling happy in terms of the baby. Hopeful, excited, loving. I just wish I wasn't a waitress and student at the moment. I figured there is never a perfect time so mind as well be now so my hubby can be as young and healthy as he can be for our first kiddo. 21 years my senior doesn't make planning easier (or maybe it did? like a push off the cliff?). Haha. But I love him and want to be with him for the rest of my life--so that makes it feel natural regardless of the situation. Hmm. We shall see. More ups and downs to come I'm sure. Tomorrow is my first appointment. :)

I wasn't going to say anything about being pregnant yet, but that's what writing is, right? Its better to write honestly than to be secretive. Then its no fun to read. :P

Happy Mothers Day!

A day early. But I guess it would be Mothers Day already in Japan. For those of you who read this, this is not me wanting an "aww Im sorry about what happened to you" response. I just want to share what is my life, and my wishes and my feelings.

I went to the grocery store today and they had such a pretty selection of flowers. I found a bouquet that I would have loved to give to my mom. I thought about anyone else I could give it to but couldnt think of anyone so I just walked on by. I saw a couple girls walking around trying to pick out something-for their moms I guessed. I totally envied themthat they had a mother they could give flowers to! I have always gotten so excited when my parents' birthdays or mothers/fathers day or christmas came around because it was a time when I could suprise them with something. I remember getting so excited in 6th grade when I was planning to buy them an espresso maker for Christmas, it made me had to go poop when I was at walmart looking around for stuff. My "oh my gosh I am so excited!" reaction.

Anyways, it is funny how you think you will never heal, but like they say, it really is time that heals. Well for me, its more like time makes you feel. Then you can start to heal. Im not trying to make it rhyme on purpose. But it never really hit me how the little desires affect your thoughts everyday...like the desire to share with my mom how I met a great guy even though he's "old" (:P-baby you know I love you! and Emma I know you're agreeing), or discuss the arguments I have with my boyfriend, or little things that happen at work, at school, how I saw something funny. Its mostly me just wanting to share my life with her. It somehow means so much more when I can share it with her because she understands and knows me better than anybody else. And she is also someone that has taught me so much and has made me grow as a person--still continues to do so till this day. Im so blessed to have had such an amazing woman in my life.

Anyways, Happy Mothers Day mama channnn!!! I love you and miss you!
Hugs,
Yuka

Changes

They can be good, they can be bad. All you want to do is make sure that you are deciding in the best way that you know now. I am totally not inspired to write, so I will make a list of things I want to accomplish this year (this should have been a new years post but oh well)

-Run a marathon (which I will do in October)
-Make tiramisu
-Get a six pack
-Get straight A's
-Go rock climbing
-Work with a nutritionist
-Get free massages from Emma (muhahaha)(dont worry I will pay you when you start working but you know I will be a good practice board)
-Learn how to make 5 very yummy fish dishes
-Run 50 miles a week, at least
-Read 5 books (not much, I know. haha)
-Keep loving more and more every day
-Work my way up to becoming a waitress
-Become more organized
-Save money
-Go to the beach more often
-Start dancing hula again

:)