Its sad to say, but I guess I've grown so accustomed to living a lonely life. I'm realizing how up in my head I am all the time. I meet people, sure, I spend time talking to people, sharing a laugh, being amongst people. But everything I do, I feel like it's to run away from the fact that I'm actually very alone, the fact that I'm insecure that I'm not doing what "everyone else is doing," the fact that I don't want to be the only one missing out from the whole crowd of people. I see this rigid structure of "normal" or "acceptable" or maybe even "cool" that I feel am never a part of. Always feeling like I'm out of the loop in some way, shape, or form. Always feeling like there is something not enough with me. Not social enough. Not funny enough. Not friendly enough. Not approachable enough. Not talked to enough. Not the center of attention enough (what girl doesn't like to be the center of attention once in a while?) Not this and that and a whole lot of things that I am not enough of. And I feel like I keep living like I have to prove myself otherwise...like I am social enough. I am funny enough. I am friendly enough. So all my efforts are put into trying to become all those things I feel I am not enough of so that I can become the perfect person that I envision in my head. Constantly I question myself, what I am doing, how I am carrying myself, how I look, how I speak...I feel so superfocused on my flaws, that each action I take or don't take will leave me punching myself or asking why I can't be like that more often. Never is an action or a situation just within the context of that situation. How these insecurities tie me down! I just am so fed up with being so aware of what I suck at, and even more so of me trying to do what I can't do. Why can't I focus on what I am, and what I can do, instead of always trying to make myself do what I can't? I guess I like to think that I could become the person I always wanted to be. And anyone can, but I can't be a vacuum and swallow everything thats fed to me. I have to pick and choose what I like, what I don't like, who I am, who I am not. My friend tells me she doesn't like going out with a bunch of people. In my eyes, I would have totally just labelled her as anti-social and afraid to meet new people. And I looked down upon it because its exactly what I did not want to become. But then at the same time, each person has a right to be and do whatever they LIKE. And she has the confidence and assurance within herself to be able to say hey, this, I dont like. And I respect her for that! I wish I could give up on trying to be what I think I am not ("think," because I dont think Im funny, but people tell me I am sometimes. And I dont think Im outgoing, but people tell me I am sometimes too.) and focus more on the things that I like. I think I could live more outside my head if I thought that way.
Somewhere along the line, I felt conditioned to have to be a certain way, when in fact there is not certain way that I have to be at all. If I like to be a homebody, then so be it. If I just want to raise a family and have neighborhood barbeques, then so be it. If I want to be single...well, no, not that. But I want to start focusing more on what I want, and what I like, instead of what everyone else wants, or what everyone else thinks is "normal" or "cool" or "accepted" so that I can live a happy and full life that is not everyone else's, but my own!
