Peeling an Onion

What if, when you peel layers of self doubt, insecurity, feelings of insufficiency, the hustle and bustle of monotnous everyday life, of needing to please, of having to meet expectations and deadlines...that you realize there is nothing left in the center, like peeling an onion? What if there is no fruit, not even a seed, left of what should be a substantial you? Just layers and layers of excess, so much a part of what is you without your choosing, without your thinking, forming you, making you a product of the expectations of others. The shoulds and have-tos, slowly make you feel that without accomplishing them, you are worthless. Not even that they are imposed on you. Sometimes, we just allow ourselves to need the praises and ohhs and ahhs of others and put harsh expectations and unreasonable goals on ourselves-like the need to be recognized as special above your fellow human beings. "I should go to a distinguished school, graduate with a certain degree, have a career that others admire, be the kind of person that others look up to, be rich, be likeable in every way, be the best choice for everyone and everything in every way..." and if I am not then I am a flop. And then, well, what happens when no one cares? What if theres no one that gives a f#$% about where you went to school, what degree you have, even what kind of person you are?? What gives you your self worth? Everyone is caring about themselves now. What they need to and want to accomplish, their goals, their lives. Theyre not going to sit around and make you feel worthwhile because you need it. I need to think more about that and start growing a seed inside of me. For a while I went insane because I realized that what I thought was nothing. That what I thought was always about what other people thought. And now I have to get up and think for myself, and live for myself. With my Christian background, I know it sounds selfish to say "live for myself" but Ive been a people pleaser all my life. I cant grow up unless I let go of those ways. I cant have kids and teach them to be like that! I dont want them to go through the same kind of suffering and craziness I went through. You have to know where to draw the lines, how to think for yourself, and to be respectable to others. I want to be a peach, or an apple, or anything that if you peel off the hustle and bustlely deadlines and commitments bit, that there is actually something there thats wholly me and sweet.