Sitting at my desk, with gray clouds and the smell of rain on its way. This weather makes me feel nostalgic, thoughtful, searching. I used to ponder a lot during my high school days about who I am, what makes me different, special, and then start to feel depressed because I couldn't quite figure out who I was apart from people. I guess I was blessed because I always had people around me. Now I'm a bit more independant and I don't have that group of friends I did in high school. Random people that turn into friends here and there. So now I see myself, and all the wonderful things that people around me would tell me I was all just seem like sweet flattery and nothing more. I used to feel like a kind hearted, warm, friendly person. But lately I feel so antisocial and all the other things that stem from it. Sigh. I'm growing into an old fart that shuts others out because it takes more effort to not. I am hoping to change that this new year. I just have a lot on my mind right now and I guess a lot of things that used to be important aren't as important to me as it used to be.
And I have to say, even though I'm not married yet, I'm living with my fiance which pretty much is marrid life minus the documents. It is not easy to always love and be caring. We are currently in a "silent treatment to eachother" mode and its not fun. This is probably wrong to say, but usually I can make my point with logic and my side of the argument all makes sense, but then it always gets disregarded as one sided even though I always think of him too. And so we bicker and fight and aruge and I get a headache until its all resolved. I think of him all the time when I do things but it always feels like I'm doing more of that than him. Maybe everyone feels that way when it comes to conflicts in a relationship??
