The World of Opportunities

I wish I was a single minded stream-roll-ahead kind of decisive person. I have so many things I think I want to try and so many things I think I could do and yet so many what ifs and nos and maybes running through my mind. I was watching America's Got Talent with my hubby Guy last night and we were talking about how there is so much out there, and at some point you have to be content with what you're doing. And, if not, change it. You see all these people come out of nowhere with the most amazing talent and then it makes you realize that hey, you dont have to be a car washer for the rest of your life, or you dont have to sing only to the mirror. You can go out there and do something. But more than their talent, I admire their desire to DO something. I mean, how many of us are wandering and not knowing and just getting by? I hate that life. I feel like I've been stuck there for some time now. While you're doing k-12th grade, you're busy with life-and after all you dont have a choice about going to school or not. Well I suppose you do, but most people don't. Then you get to college, and you get to choose what you want to study? You get to work or not work, go to class or not go, go 2 years, go 4 or go more? I mean from high school where your options were limited to which sports to play, or what to eat for lunch, or to take AP or not, now its like every aspect of your life is a decision! Isn't that a bit much? Not for everyone though, I know. My dad said that once he took a computer class in college, he thought, hey cool, and majored in it and suceeded in it. I am jealous. I'm like a nutcase when it comes to deciding. I feel like I could be good at something, or that it could make good money, or that I could see myself doing it everyday, and then I try to decide from those ifs and coulds and shoulds. Not just based on what I love! I wish I could simply see myself and know what I desire. I'm already 24 and yet I still don't know what I want to do! What is it that keeps me from knowing me? Part of me thinks Im a free thinker and independant, but at the same time when I really sit down and think about the why's, I feel like I need to have a four year degree from a good school, I need to work in an environment that will be looked up to in some way, and to be in a position that is "better" than average. Ugh. I'm the one bringing myself down....I love watching food network, and sometimes entertainment news. I love stories of people who made something from nothing. I love people finding their passions. I love helping and supporting. Thats me. But somehow I end up feeling like that isn't enough. When is it ever going to be enough?

Hello 2011!

Sitting at my desk, with gray clouds and the smell of rain on its way. This weather makes me feel nostalgic, thoughtful, searching. I used to ponder a lot during my high school days about who I am, what makes me different, special, and then start to feel depressed because I couldn't quite figure out who I was apart from people. I guess I was blessed because I always had people around me. Now I'm a bit more independant and I don't have that group of friends I did in high school. Random people that turn into friends here and there. So now I see myself, and all the wonderful things that people around me would tell me I was all just seem like sweet flattery and nothing more. I used to feel like a kind hearted, warm, friendly person. But lately I feel so antisocial and all the other things that stem from it. Sigh. I'm growing into an old fart that shuts others out because it takes more effort to not. I am hoping to change that this new year. I just have a lot on my mind right now and I guess a lot of things that used to be important aren't as important to me as it used to be.

And I have to say, even though I'm not married yet, I'm living with my fiance which pretty much is marrid life minus the documents. It is not easy to always love and be caring. We are currently in a "silent treatment to eachother" mode and its not fun. This is probably wrong to say, but usually I can make my point with logic and my side of the argument all makes sense, but then it always gets disregarded as one sided even though I always think of him too. And so we bicker and fight and aruge and I get a headache until its all resolved. I think of him all the time when I do things but it always feels like I'm doing more of that than him. Maybe everyone feels that way when it comes to conflicts in a relationship??