I hate losing

Today was a bit of a tear filled day for me. I started off the normal yet hectic week feeling pretty organized and on top of things. And then I got this email on Wednesday telling me that I was selected as a finalist for the Outstand Junior award at my business college. I was a *little excited-kinda like one of those feelings where you want to get excited but not too excited so that you don't let yourself down. I had to submit my resume and a "brief statement" about myself and why I qualify for this award. It took me a few hours to write a 4 paragraph document on how I exemplify a strong work ethic, integrity, dedication to leadership, professional development, and community service as required in the guideline of this award. I just felt like I had a lot to say and I'm not sure I did it as eloquently as I should have on paper. Regardless, after I submitted it, I must say I felt a little extra skip in my step knowing I had the possibility of being chosen. My whole time at this university has been a hussle. I worked, raised a baby, took 5 courses every semester, got straight A's, volunteered, found a couple internships, and kept our household running. It was really nice to think that I might be recognized for my dedication to work had and achieve my goals. It almost felt like a relief, like validation from an outside source that I was doing something right.

I got an email today saying that I was not chosen for the award, but that I was among the top 10 finalists and "should be proud of this achievement."

The tears seep out of my eyes...

What achievement? Obviously no random panel thinks I am doing enough to win the award. Obviously I didn't satisfy some judge's inner measuring stick even though I plow through every day with 100% dedication to my family and my goals. I never win. I work hard and it just goes unnoticed. I thought that I finally would be able to have some relief by having some external "academic" validation. I wish I was never told that I was even nominated. ....

4 minutes later, I get an email from the same person with an invitation for high academic achievers to attend a leadership seminar next month. I have to say, it felt set up...like "Oh I'm sorry you didn't get the award, but you're an outstanding student so come join this seminar." Or maybe it was more "You fell short in the area of leadership...why don't you attend this seminar?" Who knows. It didn't make me feel better though.

I know I sound like a selfish brat. I am sometimes, especially when I lose. The pressure I put on myself all just came crashing down on me. I have all these expectations for myself and it takes a lot of time and dedication to meet them. I told myself not to get too excited but emotionally I guess I got ahead of myself. I felt empty and sad, especially after all that crying.  Now I really understand how my husband feels when he loses his golf long drive tournament. He trains and practices so hard for it all year, and it's over in a matter of minutes if you don't hit it right in the finals.

Hubby tip of the night: All that matters is that you make more opportunities for yourself. You don't have to win every one, but having more opportunities to win means giving yourself a better chance of winning next time.